I'm not hungry. I'm actually miserably full. But my boyfriend wanted to order take out, so here I am mowing down the fried food I tried to protest against while I watch some dreadfully boring show on car restorations even though my favorite program is on.
It's not that I don't have will power. I've gone without eating for 7 days and lived to talk about it. It's not even that I don't have strong values or opinions. I'm a sucker for a fiery political debate. This debilitating flaw is much more grave. I suffer from a severe case of FOSN: a fear of saying no. I know what you're thinking. That's lovely, what a sweet girl who always says yes to every opportunity! But unfortunately FOSN is just a trendier, hashtag-able way to say that I'm a pitiful and hopeless pushover.
I can't pinpoint exactly when I developed this drive to please and accommodate everyone other than myself, but I imagine it stems from a young age. Being a spoiled only child, my parents always gave me what I wanted. I had nothing to say no to, it was all about me! It was the early childhood play dates that must have done me in. Blame it on the anxiety of interacting with kids, but boy was I was the epitome of a sucker. And it has only gotten worse with time.
Lets take a look at the history of my FOSN for further evaluation, shall we?
When my cousins asked me to be the dad when we played house. The clearly least desirable of any make believe character to portray. On this same note, I was never the teacher always the student. Never the movie star always the camera girl. Never Cinderella always the step sister. You get the point.
When those same cousins wanted the good barbie, the last packet of gushers, the comfy pillow. Well I guess I don't mind, i'm just so happy to have company!
When my mom thought it would look adorable if she cut me bangs that started in the middle of my forehead and looked more like a bowl cut than the 'wispys' she was going for. She was so excited, how could I say no? They took a year to grow out.
When my wild child next door neighbor told me I should ask a boy on the bus to pull down his pants. I have a bad feeling about this.. but alright. Resulted in being kicked off the bus for an entire year. In kindergarten. I still secretly hate her.. but I'd probably still say yes if she resurfaced and asked me to lunch.
When my dad insisted I play hockey even though I couldn't stand up on ice skates. Sure I'm the only girl, I hate sports, hate being cold and can't skate... but I guess it couldn't hurt to try. The tragic memories still make me shiver (pun intended).
When my first serious boyfriend asked me out. He's not attractive, has a criminal record at 14, and he's dumb as bricks. But I guess I should give him a shot. Everyone else has boyfriends, and I don't want to turn him down. Two years of agreeing to skip class and a few other mistakes racked me up a nice little disciplinary record.
When my mom wanted me to be an altar server. even though i was 15 and all the other altar servers were 8 and 9 respectively. Seemed like a sin to say no? Probably did a little more sinning damage that I took the lords name in vain and swore profusely when my friends happen to see me in all my towering glory one dreadful Christmas eve service.
When my best friend convinced me that my eyebrows HAD to be plucked, and she would be the one to do it. I'm still coloring in her mistakes to this day.
When I was so eager to fit in that I followed, rather inaccurately, every possible trend. From Jincos to imitating Cher from clueless to overalls to skorts.
When my boyfriend asked me to follow him to college... but not the prestigious one he was attending, the lesser accredited one next door. This led me to study Spanish with him so we could teach it to our children. Needless to say we broke up and he married someone from his college and I have no one to talk Spanish to. dios mio.
When I was in a dazed blackout on my 21st birthday but everyone wanted me to do one more shot. than another. than another. And I woke up with 18 tally marks up my arm. So naturally my friends insisted we make up for those missing 3 at 8 AM. But everyone came out for my birthday, I can't really say no.. even if I have thrown up in the bathroom twice.
I tried to do the vegetarian thing, but couldn't make it stick. Not because I wanted meat, but because I felt rude turning down meatball after burger after hotdog.
Doing the favor and picking up that extra waitressing shift on Friday night even though I've had concert tickets for the past three months. And knowing that the bitch whose shift I covered will never return the favor.
My college roommate borrowing (stealing) my new pumps only to stretch them out with her big feet. Sure, I don't mind! why don't you just keep em now, they fit you better!
When I was visiting Morocco and the waiter insisted I try the whole fish with the eyes, scales and tail still on, even though I had already brought enough cereal bars to make it through the trip. This experience left me with parasites in my stomach and intestines for the next 4 months.
When my boyfriend took home a puppy I could neither afford nor had time to raise. Then when he suggested I keep her in bed with me even though I was sure crate training was the way to go. My apartment is now a chewed up dog wasteland.
That moment at a cookout when your cousin -- or worse your boyfriend's cousin -- asks you to hold their 8 week old baby while they grab a plate of food. I don't even like children that much, but i despise holding babies. Yet, I always reply "Me? Of course I don't mind!" 3 hours of crying and wet diapers later, and the baby has spit up all over the shirt my roommate has already shrunk aanyways and pulled out a solid chunk of my hair out.
Working late, doing my bosses errands ...doing my assistants errands, finishing my coworkers responsibilities. Sitting in the squeaky chair, never choosing the music station, not saying anything when someone eats my lunch from the fridge.. again.
Going to my friends plays, recitals, premiers, hell even kareoke performances, even though I want to go to the gym or do laundry or I dont know anything besides watching their horrific renditions of whitney houston's my heart will go on.
My boyfriends mother is italian. I've gained 10 pounds since we started dating. Sure I'll have another slice of lasagna, plate of riggatoni, slice of pizza, glass of wine, tiramisu, etc. etc. etc... 10 pounds.
On that note. I always take whatever the waiter suggests. which is always the most expensive thing on the menu. and usually the most fattening. You know they're not going to suggest the house salad even if it is exquisite.
On the way to a house party, "hey Chels, will you pick up a few bottles of alcohol, I didn't have time to grab anything?" What I'm really thinking: "No problem, my bank accounts negative and I know you'd never pay me back - but 'of course!'" What I say, 'Of course, do you need snacks too?!'
While I'm following a group of friends moving towards the stage at a concert and a complete stranger asks, "hey will you snap a photo of us?" then, "Can you just do one more" then their other friend finally notices theres a photo opp and wants to get in, "omg sooo sorry just one more?". Me, of course! No problem! I spend the rest of my favorite band's performance searching the crowd for my friends. Only to find them and have the girl taking their photo not snap one more when I walk up and want to get in. Go figure.
There's only one more left. One more what you say? Well it could -- and has been -- anything. There's one more bite of dessert, one more seat in the car, one more aspirin, one more open parking spot, one more gift bag, one more roll of toilet paper for God's sake! And everytime there's only one more, there's always that devilishly sweet girl asking you don't mind do you? Me? Of course not - it's all yours!
I have to wake up early to get ready for a big meeting, but my boyfriend doesn't fall back asleep well. I show up late with a stain on my shirt since I got dressed in the dark, using my phone as the only illumination on my closet.
When someone cat calls or says hey sexy and I feel compelled to say hi back. Then they follow me and harass me for the next two blocks while I try to smile and laugh it off.
When the puppy I never wanted in the first plays begs. for anything. "okay well, i guess my last bite of prime rib and a sliver of apple pie wont hurt" "you don't want to be left at home? okay, I guess I can skip the lunch I've been looking forward to all week with my friends"
When I go in to get my laptop fixed and i walk out with a brand new laptop ..and an upgraded iphone.
Or the age old: "Do you mind spotting me? I forgot my wallet again?" Of course not!
"i know you ordered the filet, but i totally messed up putting in the computer and got you a ribeye instead" ...i don't eat meat off bones... "oh not a problem! I'm easy!" The ribs cost 20 dollars more.
When someone hands me their jacket at an event, assuming I work there. Oh no problem, I'll check this for you.
When I'm walking through the mall and buy something from each one the kiosks selling things even my great aunt wouldn't be fooled to purchase from the infomercial channel.
Worse is when a street team asks you for a second of time to talk about gay rights, or feeding the hungry or saving the whales, and you end up signing up to have a monthly withdrawal to their cause.
When I lead on every single unattractive loner that tries some tacky pick up line on me. I say I have a boyfriend and that we're really happy - hell he's even at the table right over there. but that doesn't stop me from pity laughing at their jokes, nodding at their stories and giving them my number if they ask. I'm the first person thats engaged them and smiled since they moved to LA, you think they'll let me go? Then I feel too bad NOT to reply to the texts. Followed by feeling too bad not to tell him where I am going out that night. Rounding out at unable to tell him off for stalking me.
When I see a bum and throw him a dollar. but there's always another. then another then another. and then I don't have any money to pay for my subway ride home.
Pushy Jewish women. You have to meet my son! He has a real hard time interacting with females, mostly on account of having miserable cold sore flareups his whole life, but i think if you got to know him you two would really hit it off. Aww I'd love to, but I actually have a really serious boyfriend (I did it, mental cheering for saying no!) Oh honey, dont be silly, you're not married - what is your boyfriend one of those abusive types? is he? Me, No! of course not!!! Her, well good then, I already gave him your number and told him you'd be available this weekend. it's a date.
When my facebook friends are all foreign men I've never met before because it just seems stuck up to flat out deny someone friendship. Hence the flooding inbox of flag worthy pics, creepy messages and pokes.
When more than one friend ask me to do something tomorrow night, and I say yes to everyone then spend the day fretting over what to do. Do I let on to the friends that I might not be able to go? of course not! I just wait until the last minute and go with whichever friend texted me last. Needless to say, I've got quite the flake reputation.
Did I mention I'm not really sure I like children? And that I dislike the majority of the little brats i encounter? My boyfriends already convinced me we're having at least four. At. Least. mind you my boyfriend and I aren't even engaged.
This same boyfriend has guilted me into converting to Judaism and getting married in a synagogue, even though hello - i didn't put all that damn altar server hours in for nothing. Again we're not even engaged.
This list is excruciatingly long, and its just a snapshot of the problems caused by my FOSN. I fantasize about telling off the guy at the bar, smacking my boyfriend with my running shoe, hollering at the friends who take advantage of me and for once just screaming NO. But FOSN isn't all bad and even has its perks every once and while. I've traveled extensively, gone to fabulous parties, stayed out all night, taken on rewarding scholastic endeavors, met some amazing people and am genuinely regarded as an optimistic sweetheart who is up for anything. Because I'm ready to embrace any adventure, I am afforded more opportunities. My friends, family, coworkers know that I'm their go to if they need a partner in crime, a date to a premier, or a travel enthusiast to take along on vacation. Honestly, I much rather have a FOSN than it's uglier sister, a FOSYes. So you ask, do I actually find comfort ..and even joy in my FOSN? Well, naturally, the answer is.. yes.
