I have to admit that my previous post was a bit more dramatic then it probably needed to be. I might not truthfully even know what depression is... but I sure as hell was frustrated with life and couldn't muster enough energy to write. Maybe depression manifests itself differently for everyone - but there still has never been a day in my life where I haven't truly smiled over something. And for that I am grateful.
I wanted to write about despair for a number of reasons - but mostly because it's real. It is something that all struggling actors grapple with at one point or another in their careers. Maybe something that everyone experiences once or twice as they settle into their late twenties - and thus is important to shed light on. But I also wanted to dial back for a moment and take a breath. My blog is one giant neatly packaged story of adventure, travel and triumph -- but, as I pointed out yesterday -- I am just human too... and with that comes a less glamorous side of my me that I felt compelled to share.
That, and I just wanted to write again. I wanted to finally digest the idea of turning another year older. So here it goes. Here's me at Twenty Seven.
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Birthdays afford me the ability to reflect on the past year - and what a hell of a year it has been. Maybe the best year of my entire life. Actually I'll scratch that - definitely the best year of my life. Lets hit on the highlights shall we?
TWENTY SIX
October - I move into a new little house with Matt and Shelly - My FIRST home! to decorate however I fancy! And my own orange tree.. and soon my own garden with fresh strawberries and herbs and tomatoes. And a perfect little yard for Shelly.
November - I spend the fall auditioning like crazy and feeling so energized by it. Mom and I take an online screenwriting class... and I churn out my very first screenplay! I also spend every Wednesday night performing in my first ever play at some dark and jenky Hollywood theater that I absolutely fall in love with. Shelly and I spend Thanksgiving on the beach in Newport.
December - Home for the holidays :) I cry tears of joy secretly when Papa and I go to get our Christmas tree -this is what Christmas magic really is all about.
January - SCAMBUSHED airs on Travel Channel! I ring in the New Year in Vegas then return to work CES for a week.... where I find out I booked BACKPACKER NATION!
February - Adios America! Off to Colombia to explore everything this beautiful and breathtaking nation has to offer. I couldn't open my eyes wide enough while I was here to take it all in.
March - I'm back and feeling changed by all that I experienced! I start auditioning and filming like crazy. My resume is expanding before my eyes! Oh and no big deal... but I get my Real Estate License! And I film my first lead in a feature film, DESPERATE MORONS.
April - May - June : Back on the road! Traveling with Undercover Boss all across America. Spending a night here in Dallas, a few in Florida, another couple in Chicago, New York, Denver. I also manage to squeeze in a trip to New Orleans with Matt and another couple and I absolutely fall head over heels in love with the city. From the food to the architecture to a fan boat ride through the Bayou - Nola has a real personality unlike any other place I have traveled.
July - A trip back to Vegas for EDC, some more filming -- this time my first lead in a suspense movie! The fourth of July in Bass lake then visiting my cousin in Yosemite for some much needed good conversation and a bit of hiking. I rounded out the month with a week in San Diego working for Comic Con.
August - Home to Boston for two weeks - where I spend a week camping with my family in Provincetown and a weekend in Newport for Kelly's bachelorette! Riding a bicycle through the dunes of the cape with my parents was some kind of wonderful that I will never forget.
September - an impromptu trip to Hawaii with my love! Followed closely by a trip to Iowa for Jenny's wedding. Hawaii was a dream. Matt and I never giggled so much as we rode around the island in a jeep looking for new adventures from scuba diving to mai tais in Waikiki. But Iowa - that was lovely too. Watching my childhood pen pal exchange vows in a mansion overlooking the foliage of Des Moines made my heart melt.
October - Back home to stand next to Kelly as she says her I do's. Tissues were no match for my happy tears on this fairytale day. I spent a few relaxing days in Boston with Matt visiting friends and family before heading to Florida for the week, where mayhem ensued in typical Miami fashion.
and then I turned 27.
And these are just the highlights. I'm forgetting many of the things that make me truly happy but seem rather mundane to an outside eye. The lazy dinners in my backyard with Matt, spending a night laughing with friends over gingerbread houses, a bike ride to the ocean and a dive into the water just because it's february and I can. A strenuous hike, a good book, a perfect day of filming, an epiphany, a long conversation with my mom, a snuggle with my dog. In year 26 I got all this in addition all of my highlights. How could someone so lucky and happy write a post about depression?
I think a big reason why I felt so down leading up to 27 is that I feel like I have peaked. I'm worried life can't possibly get any better than this - that maybe I am on the top of my game and there is nowhere further up I can go. I get really frustrated with the constant rejection from auditions... but it's often more than that. I get fed up with myself for not doing more. I want to finish my second screenplay and write a book... I want to make a professional reel and get it seen, I want to go to casting director workshops and land a regular role, I want my pilates certification, want Shelly to be better trained, want to be a more patient and loving girlfriend. I want to accomplish more, see more, do more, be more... but when I have already done and achieved so much it feels defeating... like how can I possibly have a better 27 year of life than 26???
Well, maybe I can't... in terms of travel or success. But that's not really what a life is measured by anyways is it? I love to travel because of how it expands my mind and broadens my horizons... a real trip can break down walls for me and leave me feeling more whole and grounded. But I don't have to trek through the jungle of Colombia to experience this do I? Sometimes I get this feeling from a riveting documentary... or a great philosophical conversation. Or a trip to a traditional restaurant in Koreatown.
And for success.... maybe I won't book another Travel Channel or CBS show this year... but something will happen. Maybe I'll sell a house or two, or land another writing gig I can feel proud about. Or maybe I will land a role on a series television show! Or maybe I wont... and I'll have to refocus my goals. But whatever happens, it's okay. I am armed with passion and an ambition that wont back down... and I know I'll be just fine.
Twenty six you were one hell of a crazy ride that I could barely hold on. Thank you for the journey, it was truly a year to remember, but I'm ready for a clean slate.
Twenty seven, lets do this.
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