I decided to lace up the ol running sneaks and hit the pavement surrounding the gorgeous BH home I've been staying at.
Up Beverly Drive and towards Laurel Canyon I went, and since I was jogging at such an exaggeratedly slow pace.. I had plenty of time to really take in my surroundings. And this is what I saw.
1. There are no white people living in the Beverly Hills Mansions!!
2. Okay, I'm sure there are. But I didn't see a single home owner, or home occupant. What I did see was 8-10 mexican workers per house.
3. The less visible your house is from the street, the cooler you are.
4. No mailbox is too big. In fact, lets just put a dog house out front and write mail on it.
5. Which brings me back to number 1. They need mailboxes this large because they're never home!! These 10 million dollar homes go UNUSED. Probably because the owner has a few other million dollar homes in even better locations! I know. un. fair. I couldn't even afford to rent out their oversized mailbox, let alone imagine having multiple estates.
6. The richest people in Beverly Hills are Persian Jews. Next tier, all other Jews. And last tier, Christian women who married Jews then divorced them.
7. Since we can't see how opulent the best houses are from the street view ....the worth of your house is determined by: how nice the Mexican work cars are, how fortifying your gate appears, and the number of exotic plants that can only grow naturally in plush rain forests you have out front.
8. Why have one porsche, when you can have five! Really though, I think there's an induction into the neighborhood where you have to agree to own at least one classic car valued at 100,000+, one Rolls Royce, one Porsche, one Range Rover (for your 16 year old little girl, duh), and one convertible of your choosing. Bugattis don't even get you bonus points amongst this company.
You know you're BH royalty when...
1. your family owns a sports club, but you've never been -- you have an exact replica in your home.
2. you've lost your family cat before in your house -- and never found it.
3. You can't remember your address, because, well, you have too many homes to think of.
4. Plus why would you need to remember it.. you have a driver.
5. Your parents gave out ipads at your bar (or bat) mitzvah
6. The only place you go to in the flats is Urth Caffe and shopping on the right side of Melrose. And you spend 3-4 hours there each day. This is your job.
7. You have 6 small dogs. They all have costumes.
8. You'd miss your friends funeral before you cancelled your hair appt. Hello, he flies from Paris just for the appointment.
9. Youre sure your house has a laundry room, but there's never been any reason for you to stumble upon it.
10. You started treating premature wrinkles at 17.
Up Beverly Drive and towards Laurel Canyon I went, and since I was jogging at such an exaggeratedly slow pace.. I had plenty of time to really take in my surroundings. And this is what I saw.
1. There are no white people living in the Beverly Hills Mansions!!
2. Okay, I'm sure there are. But I didn't see a single home owner, or home occupant. What I did see was 8-10 mexican workers per house.
3. The less visible your house is from the street, the cooler you are.
4. No mailbox is too big. In fact, lets just put a dog house out front and write mail on it.
5. Which brings me back to number 1. They need mailboxes this large because they're never home!! These 10 million dollar homes go UNUSED. Probably because the owner has a few other million dollar homes in even better locations! I know. un. fair. I couldn't even afford to rent out their oversized mailbox, let alone imagine having multiple estates.
6. The richest people in Beverly Hills are Persian Jews. Next tier, all other Jews. And last tier, Christian women who married Jews then divorced them.
7. Since we can't see how opulent the best houses are from the street view ....the worth of your house is determined by: how nice the Mexican work cars are, how fortifying your gate appears, and the number of exotic plants that can only grow naturally in plush rain forests you have out front.
8. Why have one porsche, when you can have five! Really though, I think there's an induction into the neighborhood where you have to agree to own at least one classic car valued at 100,000+, one Rolls Royce, one Porsche, one Range Rover (for your 16 year old little girl, duh), and one convertible of your choosing. Bugattis don't even get you bonus points amongst this company.
You know you're BH royalty when...
1. your family owns a sports club, but you've never been -- you have an exact replica in your home.
2. you've lost your family cat before in your house -- and never found it.
3. You can't remember your address, because, well, you have too many homes to think of.
4. Plus why would you need to remember it.. you have a driver.
5. Your parents gave out ipads at your bar (or bat) mitzvah
6. The only place you go to in the flats is Urth Caffe and shopping on the right side of Melrose. And you spend 3-4 hours there each day. This is your job.
7. You have 6 small dogs. They all have costumes.
8. You'd miss your friends funeral before you cancelled your hair appt. Hello, he flies from Paris just for the appointment.
9. Youre sure your house has a laundry room, but there's never been any reason for you to stumble upon it.
10. You started treating premature wrinkles at 17.
No comments:
Post a Comment