The real story: Taking Care of a Puppy

...is only fun when they're sleeping.

Let me get this straight.  Children are harder to take care of than a puppy?  And you have to give birth to them?  And they eventually grow up to despise you? Welp.  That makes my future life decisions a little easier. 

Lessons I've learned from parenting a puppy.

1. Answer this question yes.  No matter what.  Is your puppy a rescue? Apparently buying a puppy is so last year.

2. Puppys bite.  everything. And their little dagger teeth absolutely kill when they pierce your skin. 

3.  My apartment has turned into a puppy dumping ground.  Puns all intended. 

4. A puppy can get this crazed I-was-just-possessed-by-satan look in their eyes before terrorizing you relentlessly for 2-3 straight hours.  Learn this look and react appropriately.

5.  Regardless of window cracking, apparently it's not cool to leave your dog in the car when you run in to buy a scratch ticket (what youre judging me for that too? screw off)

6. Crate training is impossible for anyone with a heart.  

7. Training your puppy to go to the bathroom outdoors is impossible for anyone without the patience of Mother Theresa.

8. it's all fun and games until she hits the shoe rack. 

9. Picking up your dog from a trashy couple at a gas station? Great story to tell everyone.  But maybe stop to think why they're giving the adorable monster away.

10. Don't underestimate the power of a teething bone. Or a bully stick.  Or anything that will take the place of your shoe when your puppy goes satan-like. 

11. They'll paint your puppy's nails at Petco for an additional 20 dollar charge.  Don't do it.  No you don't need an explanation why not. 

12. If you're going to pretend you didn't notice your dog just defecated in a store, your neighbors front step, etc. then you better start practicing your 'surprised' face.

13. OK fine.  I get the car thing.  And I'm with you.  But please don't give me that look when I scream 'no you little f***ing shit' at my dog while she bites my ankles, or wiggles free of my hands, or starts growling at me when I try to drag her into the car, or she jumps up and grabs the last of whatever I'm freaking enjoying off my plate. Yes, I know that she is cute.. that's why I haven't brought her back to the shell station where we got her.. but she can be a real devil, and as her sole provider, I remain the right to cuss at her as I see fit. 

14. Shower your lil one in kisses, spoil her rotten and love her as much as she adores you.  Having a puppy, albeit nightmareish at times, is a true gift. :)